Some years ago, I started text chatting and video chatting with somebody I matched with on a dating app.

On the second video chat, I realised that he had a tendency to continuously turn any conversation back to himself — all about me, me, me. He was also distracted, multitasking, disregarding my time without any qualms about it. I took all that as red flags and discontinued our chats.

This wouldn’t be even worth mentioning if not what followed. I can’t remember how we reconnected years later. He asked me why we stopped contact.

Me: “I think you stopped contacting me.”

Him: “You could have reached out.”

Me: “That’s true… but you didn’t seem interested (leaving out how I wasn’t about to ‘chase’ after anybody ever).”

Him: “What makes you say that? We had some good conversations.”

Me: (deciding to be truthful) “Really? Our conversations were around what you did, what you were going to do, where you were traveling to… it’s was all about you. I was attracted to you. I found you smart and articulate but I also felt you were quite selfish.”

He agreed and that was that. I was relieved he agreed because I wouldn’t have changed my mind about him anyway.

I finally have enough self-love and awareness to alienate narcissistic people before a relationship even starts. I didn’t need to go down that rabbit hole (again).

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Dr. Martha Tara Lee, Sexpert — D.H.S., M.A.

Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. AASECT Cert Sexuality Educator Supervisor. Author of 4 books.