What Long-term Relationships are Really About

Many years ago, I became good friends (and still am) with an older male friend. He was very tolerate of my childish ways and I couldn’t comprehend the depth and width of his heart and patience until I met his wife.

She admitted to me in that one meeting that she has obsessive compulsive tendencies. Because he was a close friend of mine, I decided to be brave and ask him what was puzzling me. I appreciate so much his answer and his answer is what I sometimes share with my clients.

Recalling from memory:

I asked: “I finally understand why you can put up with me (as a friend). It’s because your wife is much worse than me!”
He: (laughs)
Me: “You told me she has depressive episodes. It must not have been easy for you. Have you ever thought of leaving her?”
Him: “It never got that bad.”
Me: “Surely you don’t need to wait for bad to leave?”
Him: “No really, it never got that bad. Each time, I was about to call it quits… she would have enough awareness to get help… so it never got that bad.”

Then it dawned on me… a long-term marriage sometimes works not because it is working well, but because it wasn’t bad enough (by their standards)!